As a psychologist and sex therapist that has treated hundreds of couples in Orange County, I feel sad when I see a pair of people who have lost the core meaning and behavior of what it means to be in a human relationship. Based on my own nearly 25 years of marriage, as well as what I've observed in couples, I recently wrote these 10 surefire tips for a long-lasting marriage. They are simple but powerful, as well as easy to implement, and I hope they prove helpful to you.
- Make a point of saying hello and good-bye, good morning and good night. These are points of bonding and separation, and they count.
- Hold hands when you are out walking anywhere. At least part of the time you are together, hold hands. This reinforces that you are sharing an experience, part of the foundation of intimacy.
- Give little gifts. My husband is wild for anything chocolate and raspberry, so if I see something with this flavor combination, I buy it. It’s a little way of letting him know that I am thinking about him when he isn’t around.
- Important rule: Everything you say should help build the relationship, not tear it down. If you just follow this one rule, you should see your relationship get better over time.
- No fighting in bed.
Use the bedroom only for sleeping and making love. You don’t want to associate your bed with something negative.
Share labor. Figure out your strengths and weaknesses and divide labor accordingly. Don’t go by gender stereotypes. If the woman is better at remembering things, she can get the oil changed. If the man is better at details, he can do the dusting.
No yelling. If you’re yelling, you are out of control. Try to recognize what happens in your body when you are getting upset and use those cues to calm down before things escalate.
Speaking of escalation, don’t compete with each other in an argument. Instead of arguing, do problem-solving. You are working together to find an acceptable solution, not to persuade your partner to do things your way.
Schedule time together. If it means grabbing coffee in the morning together on an especially busy weekend, do it. Don’t let more than a few days go by without spending some time talking and connecting.
Have sex. Couples that have regular sex are happier than couples that don’t. It’s what separates marriage from friendship. On average, couples have sex between one and three times a week to twice a month. Now forget the averages and figure out what works for you as a couple.
