A colleague here in Orange County proclaims that all sexual problems are caused by "anxiety." What is anxiety, anyway? And are all sexual problems caused by it?

Anxiety is simply another word for "worry." It is true that worrying sometimes gets in the way of sexual enjoyment. Men worry about being able to have an erection, or being able to last long enough. Women worry about whether they will have an orgasm, or if they will want sex when their partner does.

However, "anxiety" is certainly not the only problem that interferes with sex!

You see, anxiety is a problem that is contained within an individual person, and a whole lot of sexual activity takes place between two people.

So sexual problems are usually also RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS. If a man can't get an erection, maybe it's because he is overly focused on pleasing his partner. If a woman can't have orgasm, maybe she is having a hard time trusting her partner.

At The Buehler Institute, we use a solution-focused, system approach, meaning that we look at your relationships, not just what's swirling around in your brain. After all, your relationships may be what's causing all that swirling around in there.

Another point: Anxiety is not a diagnosis. There are many different anxiety disorders. There is generalized anxiety, where someone spends most of their time worrying and feeling nervous; phobias, where all one's worry is focused on one thing; panic attacks, which are the physical symptoms of anxiety in the extreme; agoraphobia, or being afraid to go outside; social phobia, being afraid to talk to people; obsessive compulsive disorder, where someone feels compelled to do a certain behavior; and post traumatic stress disorder, where someone has flashbacks and other symptoms related to trauma.

So when this person talks about "sex and anxiety," what, exactly, are they talking about? And how do they know you have anxiety before you even come in the door?

Perhaps you would prefer someone who waits until you actually come into the office to determine what the issues are, and how we're going to help you solve them. Someone who listens to see if you have anxiety, or a difficult relationship, or some issue from the past that needs to be understood. Someone who is more invested in helping you heal than slapping a label on you.