I haven't read Sex at Dawn but I have certainly read about it. The idea is that humans aren't meant to be monogamous, because theories of natural selection and other forces in our prehuman history make it more genetically advantageous to our species to have multiple mates. Men, especially, are thought to be biologically prone to have multiple partners. So it is written, so it must be.
Or is it? Today's NY Times published an opinion, "Darwin Was Wrong About Dating" in which the author writes about research articles that refute Darwinian theories about monogamy and choosing mates. For example, there are several studies that suggest that men have more sex partners than women. But in another study, subjects were asked about number of partners under two conditions, one a control that replicated the conditions in a previous study, in which people were simply asked about number of partners, and one in which people were linked up to a bogus lie detector. Under the second set of conditions, women actually reported having slight more partners than men. In other words, when social conditions are such that honesty is required or expected, differences diminish.
What do such arguments mean to the average Joe and Josephine? As a sex and relationship therapist, I think, not much. Whether a biological imperative or a social expectation, when two people pledge to be monogamous–married or not–then they need to strive to live up to their promise. Can monogamy be difficult? Of course! Stifling? Yes. Dull? Duh.
The answer isn't to sit on the sofa contemplating what the authors wrote. It is to discuss with one's partner what might be making monogamy challenging today. If it is feeling overly attached, how can you get more space to do things that are personally enriching? If it is bedroom blahs, what can be done to create new spark? If it is simply being frustrated, what can be done to cope, other than doing something destructive to one's pledge? The conversation holds whether one has been married a long time, has lived with someone for a year or so, or is straight, gay, trans, or questioning.
People come into The Buehler Institute all the time to figure out (a) why they are involved in an affair; (b) whether they want to stay married or not; (c) how to recover from an affair; or (d) how to prevent an affair. What do they all have in common? They are all grappling with the promise made to a person they once loved enough to pledge to be exclusive. The answer isn't always easy, and it isn't always the same. But do we sit and discuss the biological imperative to have multiple mates? Rarely. Sometimes there is a person for whom monogamy just doesn't work, whether philosophically or as a lifestyle. Fine–we can talk about that choice and alternatives to a monogamous relationship. For the majority of people, though, being exclusive just feels right. Everyone wants to know they are loved and can trust that love through thick and thin. They don't really care why, they just know that without it, they sometimes feel sad or lonely. I've never had anyone, man or woman, tell me that they are concerned about spreading seed. They just want to love, and be loved.