As a sex therapist, a common complaint that I hear–mainly from women, but sometimes from men, too–is that their partner doesn't seem passionate and doesn't know how to satisfy him or her. And most of the time, when I ask if they've told their partner what they need, the answer is no, followed by a question: If my partner loves me, shouldn't he or she just know what I need?
Well, that's a nice fantasy, to have a partner that just intuits what you need to make you feel aroused. And yes, I suppose some couples have a natural sexual compatibility–lucky them! But most couples find that even if sex was satisfying in the first 6 mos. to 2 years of their relationship, the initial excitement wears off, and they are left puzzled. They may even wonder if they are with the "wrong" partner, even when everything else in the relationship is going right most of the time.
Once the thrill of a new beginning has diminished, comes the time to work on the sex. Not as in, try harder–that will just lead to performance anxiety and disappointment. As in, communication and patient instruction. You need to be kind, but you need to be assertive and tell your partner what does and does not turn you on–both in and out of the bedroom.
Examples of things to tell your partner what you need inside the bedroom:
- How you want to be approached for sex
- What part of your body you'd like your partner to touch first
- When, where, and how to kiss you
- The order in which you'd like to have orgasm
- What positions feel best to you
- Etc.
Examples of things to tell your partner what you need outside the bedroom:
- More cuddling on the sofa
- Some talk over a glass of wine or a cup of cocoa
- A foot or neck rub
- Holding hands on the way to and from the car in a parking lot
- Picnics
- Etc.
Of course, it may be that you are too inhibited to talk about sex. Now that I understand! So you can communicate your needs in a note, or guide your partner's hands, or initiate what you'd like to have done. You can buy a book about sex and mark the pages for your partner to read. You can watch an instructional or erotic DVD and tell your partner, "That looks like fun!"
But it isn't fair to stay silent, leaving your partner in the dark, feeling like they did something wrong–not fair to your partner, and not fair to yourself, either. So be brave, take responsibility for your own pleasure, and let your partner know what you want from your sex life.