Did you know that on average, couples
wait seven years before they contact a therapist for help with their
relationship? Sometimes, when the problem is sex, couples wait even longer. Imagine being married 10 years without
having consummated your marriage. Or waiting 16 years to tell your partner that you've never
had an orgasm, that you've been pretending all that time? What about struggling with a lifetime of
problems with erectile function?
Can it ever be too late? Unfortunately, yes. Some couples wait so long that one
partner is already about to walk out the door. The other will say, wait, let's go to counseling. They enter my office, one motivated, one
dejected. If the dejected partner
can't be motivated, if they feel as if they've already tried everything
imaginable, or if they are so angry and disgusted that they just don't care any
more, yes, it can be too late. And I have to say, those are the saddest cases
that I see in my office.
I can't say that every marriage like
this could have been saved if they had come in sooner; that would be
unrealistic. But what I can say is
that the likelihood that the marriage might have endured is increased when
there have been fewer years of damage to undo.
How do you know when it's time to make
a call to a sex or couples therapist?
Here are some reasons to call:
- You continually have the same
fight about the same topic without any resolution. - The problem is one that has
long roots back into early adulthood or childhood, and you've never gotten
help for it. - You don't talk about the
problem, but there is a lot of tension in the relationship. - You feel unhappy or
dissatisfied with your relationship most days. - You worry that your partner has
a mental illness such as depression or bipolar disorder. - You bicker constantly.
- You dread spending time alone
with your partner. - You fantasize about being
single again. - You've contemplated having an
affair, or you've had or are involved in an affair. - You have an unusual problem and
don't know where to turn.
There are times when taking a wait-and-see
approach makes sense. If you've
had a major argument or your partner's behavior has disappointed you, then time
may heal the problem. Or if you
agree to make and implement a change, you may want to have a reasonable time
line, such as 6 months, to see if you can remedy things on your own.
Seeing a therapist may be problematic,
I know. Admitting that you have a
problem that you haven't been able to solve, letting someone–a stranger–see
you at your worst, and trusting someone is going to give you good value for
your money all make going to therapy a tough call.
But consider the alternatives: Years of arguing, emotional pain, and
despair. Separation or divorce. The loss of dreams and potential as a
couple.
Of course, there is no promise that
even if you do contact a therapist sooner rather than later your marriage or
relationship will endure. Sometimes partners hide their motive for coming to therapy,
such as making sure that there is someone (the therapist) to take care of their
partner if they choose to leave. Or, they come in so that they can say, "We tried therapy
and it just didn't work out." But for most couples, seeing a therapist is
the key to staying together–especially if they call before it's too late.