Every once in awhile, someone in my office at The Buehler Institute will tell me what they’ve done to get their sex life on track with their partner. Things like:
- Renting some pornography
- Going on vacation somewhere exotic
- Doing something to make themselves more attractive (including plastic surgery)
- Taking herbs to increase their own libido
- Buying a book on tantric sex
- Purchasing a new, more slippery lubricant
- Trying a new massage oil or lotion
And although your opinion may differ on some of these tactics, they do have the potential to work. But they won’t work if your partner:
- Is simmering mad at you over something you did but have (perhaps conveniently) forgotten
- Feels overtired–and overloaded–with life stressors
- Lost a close relative (up to a year ago)
- Fears losing their job due to the recession
- Has a hormonal imbalance or medical symptoms that are causing discomfort and fatigue
You’re only human. It’s easy to get caught up in your own ego, in your own inner struggles, wants, and needs. Still, it is fascinating to see how often one partner is dealing with a genuine life stressor, and the other is oblivious to it, or minimizes the effect it is having on their partner’s life.
Yes, it would be nice to be able to rub away all the troubles with a new lotion so that things can go on as they were. But circumstances change, and people change with them.
That’s why, if there is a change in your sex life, you need to talk—not fight—about it. And be patient. Your partner might need time to pinpoint why their interest in sex has diminished.