Recently I read a blog post on the Good Therapy website that caught my attention. The blogger said that if sex isn't working in the bedroom, it's a good indicator that there are big problems in the rest of the marriage that aren't being addressed.
Sometimes that's true, but often it isn't. Couples can have a good relationship, and still struggle with sex.
I'd say about 60-70% of the couples who come into my office at The Buehler Institute for sex therapy tell me that their relationship is good, but that when it comes to sex they just aren't connecting.
Now, I must admit that I, too, do always suspect that the couple may be focusing their relationship problems on their sex life, because that is where obvious symptoms show up. So I will explore the couple's level of communication, how much conflict they experience, and whether or not when they do fight, they fight fair. I'll see what other rifts there might be, for example, differences in opinion about raising kids or the amount of time spent with in-laws.
No couple is perfect, so I do often find problems. If the problems are big–lots of constant fighitng and bickering–we'll address those first.
But often enough, the couple really doesn't have a Big Problem. It's as they describe: It's all good, except in the bedroom.
Here are some of the reasons sex goes wrong in a couple's relationship:
- One or both of them were raised in a very religious home, making it hard to enjoy sex even though they are joined together by marriage.
- Poor understanding of what happens to a person's body during sex. For example, a man may think that rubbing his wife's genitalia will automatically turn her on. Not so.
- Unrealistic expectations, such as thinking that if they love each other, the sex will be good, too.
- Not making time for sex, or anything else about their relationship, for that matter. Thinking that sex will just magically happen.
- Mind reading. A big one. One or both are so embarrassed to talk about sex that they just hope their partner will figure out what they like. Good luck with that!
Over the next few days, I'll talk about each of these reasons in turn. In the meantime, if you can think of other reasons that you'd like me to address, leave a comment. And don't forget to sign up for The Blog Erotic feed.