Maybe you’re reading this out of curiosity–or maybe you’re reading it because it describes you. You’re way past the age when all of your peers have had sex, and you’re wondering how and why you ended up here.
By age 27, all but 3% of the American population has engaged in sexual activity, meaning intercourse, oral sex, or anal sex. And some of those 3% end up in the sex therapist‘s office.
Sometimes it’s clear what happened. One fellow had been very ill during his adolescence and missed out on a lot of socializing. Another chose to dedicate her life after college to charitable work, and ended up in a setting where there were no suitable partners. Both had to play “catch up” and, soon after entering the online dating scene, readily found a partner who was ready, willing, and able to show them how sex happens.
Sometimes it isn’t so clear. But a recent research paper shed some light on the topic. It seems that for men, not having initiated any sexual activity during the teenage years predicts that they will remain a virgin into adulthood. In other words, becoming sexually active takes practice, practice, practice. If a teen boy doesn’t take any sexual risks, then he isn’t going to learn enough about sexual activity to take things to another level.
For women, it seems that being obese as a teen is a risk factor for staying a virgin into adulthood. Sad but true, in our American culture people find a trim figure more attractive. Carrying extra weight seems to stave off suitors, and the teen girl ends up, like the teen boy, without any sexual experiences.
Religious practices seem to be somehow correlated. Teens of both sexes who attended religious services or events more frequently tended to stay virgins into adulthood. My guess would be that these are teens who perhaps have chosen to stay chaste until marriage. They are unlike most faithful believers, who either delay sex until their early 20s when they exercise freedom of choice, or who get married young in order to be sexually active.
Often so-called “adult virgins” are discouraged or embarrassed to find themselves in their predicament. They may judge themselves for lagging behind peers and missing out on a milestone experience of their development. Their self-esteem may suffer as they wonder if all of this happened because they weren’t attractive, and that’s why they got left behind.
There is hope, of course. Adult virgins sometimes are simply late bloomers and end up marrying late in life. Many of them will develop a normal sex life with their partner. Others need more help, developing better self-esteem and social skills, making themselves more conventionally attractive (hello, makeover), and even learning how to communicate to a potential new partner that they are new to the world of sexual expression.
Naturally, some tiny percentage will remain virgins. They may actually be asexual, which is currently considered to be a legitimate orientation to have no interest in sexual intimacy. Or they may choose not to enter into adult sexuality for their own unique reasons.
If you are an adult virgin and have become dissatisfied, but don’t know how to change, seek help from a qualified sex therapist who can help you understand yourself better and develop a plan so that you can experience one of the key experiences that life holds.