Body image has to do with how you view and how you feel about your own body. In my sex therapy practice, body image is often one of several issues that interfere with a person's ability to enjoy sex. There are multiple causes for poor body image, including:
- Perfectionism, or feeling down and frustrated about one's physical flaws
- Conforming to certain ideals, often those found in advertising and other media
- Being overly focused on looks instead of function
- Believing that one must be a certain weight or size to be happy
- Judging parts instead of paying attention to the whole; looking at one's "fat thighs" or "big butt" instead of seeing one's entire self in a mirror
Sometimes, poor body image has some basis in reality. For example, cancer treatment can include disfiguring surgery. People are also sometimes born with defects, including those to the sex organs. When someone has been abused–sexually, emotionally, or physically–they may also suffer low self-esteem and problems with appearance due to feeling belittled or devalued as a human being. Eating disorders can also result in major difficulties with body self-esteem.
How does body image interfere with sexual pleasure? First of all, if you don't feel good about your body, you probably aren't going to want to be seen naked, or even partially undressed, in front of a partner. You are unlikely to initiate sex. You may also be out of touch with your body's need pleasure, since you see your body as a source of distress. You may not want certain parts of your body touched because you feel embarrassed about how they look. It may surprise you to learn that in my office, about half the people who have body image issues are male.
How can you improve your body image so that you can have more sexual enjoyment?
- Focus on what you do like about your body or face. Do you have a nice smile? Neat ears? Pretty hands? Strong calves? Broad shoulders? Everyone has something about themselves to like!
- Notice that there are all types of bodies in all shapes, sizes, and skin tones. What you see in the media isn't representative of the human race. Appreciate the differences you see around you, and appreciate your own individual looks.
- Exercise. If you move, you can be grateful for what your body is able to do, rather than how it appears. You don't have to do an extreme sport, you can just take a walk and appreciate how your legs can take you from place to place. (Can't walk? Talk to a PT about how to get moving.)
- Look at yourself as a whole when you see yourself in the mirror.
- Don't check yourself out all the time, and don't use a magnifying mirror when you look at your face. Be at peace with your image. Look in the mirror once in the morning, once after lunch to check for spinach, and once in the evening when you prepare for bed. Otherwise, give the mirror a rest.
- Heal your body image by taking note of how you talk to yourself about your body and changing it if you need to. Instead of, "I'm so fat and ugly, I hate myself!", tell yourself, "I have beautiful eyes and I am a good friend. The package may not be perfect, but it doesn't need to be to love and be loved."
The New Year is a good time to take stock of how you feel about your body, which is a big part of your sexuality. Make this year one in which you learn how to love the body you have and allow your body to experience the pleasure you deserve.