If you read my post on "When Marriage Goes Sour," you'll remember that I said I would address the reasons I laid out for sex not working in a marriage. One reason is that one or both couple members may have been raised in a very religious home, an upbringing that can sometimes interfere with sexual enjoyment.
I live in Orange County, CA, not far from Saddleback Church, one of the largest Christian churches in the United States. But there are many, many Christian churches throughout the county. We also have devoted Muslims, Hindus, Catholics, and Jews. And I work with couples of every faith.
When couples of faith come into my office, they are often grateful for the spiritual connection
that they have in their marriage, but very confused about sex. Why is it, they wonder, that they can't enjoy sex even though they waited until marriage? They even complain of feeling cheated, because they were told that sex within marriage would be better, made even more special as their reward for waiting.
The problem is twofold. First, whatever negativity a person holds around religion and sexuality often doesn't just disappear with the seemingly magical words, "I do." Somehow, there needs to be more discussion about the joys of sex in general, or assurance that sexual curiosity is normal. People need to hear not just the word "no" when it comes to sex, but "yes," as in, "Yes, sex really does feel good, and yes, it really is okay to enjoy it when the time comes."
Second, there is often such a lack of sexual knowledge that sex is simply awkward. Couples would do well to purchase books on sex such as Paul Johannides' Guide to Getting It On or The Gift of Sex by the Joyce and Clifford Penner several weeks before getting married.
They could also read articles on the topic, such as the ones on this blog. Or go to Ezine Articles and do a search under my name–there are over 40 articles on how to have good sex, and they are all no racier than you'd find in the average magazine.
Finally, if a couple is religious and has sexual difficulties, they could turn to parents or a minister. Unfortunately, embarrassment holds most couples back. Fortunately, most sex therapists are very willing to explore these issues with couples, and that's a great place to get help.