It was Bob & Carol's anniversary. He had too much to drink, and she ate something that turned her stomach. Still, they had sex–very unsatisfying, stop-and-start, unromantic sex. In the morning, Carol was very cool to Bob, but he couldn't understand why. "Hmph, I gave it my all! And isn't sex in a hotel just what Carol wanted for our anniversary?"
Carol, meanwhile, withdrew more over the following week. She felt hurt and sad over what was supposed to be a night of passion. And now, Bob was pulling away. Hadn't she given him what he wanted for their anniversary?
A year goes by. Bob & Carol had never had a great sex life–they were both busy with their careers, both often stressed and tired–but now things had really gotten sour. If they had sex, it was a surprise to both of them–and not in a good way. Their encounters just left them more confused.
And now, their anniversary was coming around again. Do you suppose that Bob & Carol (a) talked about what happened last year, forgave each other, and moved on to a richer and more passionate sex life, or (b) avoided the problem altogether, only to repeat the drunk & nauseous scenario of the previous year?
If you guessed (b), you are a wise reader. You are able to see that Bob & Carol are suffering from a sexual misunderstanding. Truly, Bob & Carol love one another and can't see themselves with another partner. But when it comes to sex, there's never a word about expectations, wants, or needs. And so, when things go wrong, each either blames each other or blames it on themselves. Their sex life comes to a standstill.
Bob & Carol need better communication about sex. Here's what they can do:
- Figure out what you want. Each of you needs to reflect about what you want your sex life together look like at this point in time. Does Carol need Bob to be more sober when they make love? Does Bob need Carol to be clearer about when she does and doesn't really want to have sex?
- Think about what you're going to say and how you're going to say it. If you need your partner to brush their teeth before sex, think about how to say it nicely. If you need more oral sex, think about how you're going to ask for that.
- Set aside a time to talk about sex. If you were going to buy a purebred dog (although my taste runs to adopted greyhounds), you would sit down on a Saturday morning and talk about it, wouldn't you? So why not set aside time
to really talk about your sex life. Make it a pleasant time–do it over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. No blaming or judging, just listen and then decide together how to make changes as needed or desired.